Top 5 Tales of Woe

Angst-Ridden Teens | Terrible Twenties 
Three hOrrific
| Forgettable Forties  
Feeble Fifties | Herpes Sucks 


Three hOrrific

Never live with your in-laws  - Steve, Minnesota, Age 30

One week ago my wife threw me out. One word of advice is to NEVER live with your in-laws NEVER.  It was almost like living with 2 wives. Well now for the bad part.  I have 2 kids one is 9 and the other 15 1/2 months. I cry myself to tears thinking of all the time I'm going to miss with my children.Visitation makes me a token father and does not fulfill my needs. I make ok money but now I'm forced to pay about $1,000 in child support.


I felt ashamed of not resisting - Alan, Toronto, Age 38

My youthful good intentions led to years of religious study in an all-male seminary. I conditioned myself to celibacy and fucked up my emotional growth. Becoming observant alienated me from my family and I spent holidays with Orthodox families. One host sexually assaulted me. He believes he did me a favor. I learned the word hebophile [someone attracted to mid-adolescent males]. 

When I told my rabbis what he did and was trying to do again they casually responded that they knew of his activities for years! I felt ashamed of not resisting and even more horrible for being sexually aroused from the fearful act. I am sexually confused and imagine myself too sullied to even think of dating. After all the agony and loneliness I am feeling numb. I call it my mid-no-life crisis.  


I have this big red bubble-like cyst   - Billy, Michigan, Age 31

I'm depressed, fat, and my face is scarred from years of bad acne when I was younger. I have no friends, and people are always telling me to smile more often. I bought a gun recently, but I'm not sure what sort of bullets it takes. I don't even know why I bought it. I have this big red bubble like cyst growing on my cock. My handicapped girlfriend of 2 years dumped me because of it. I popped it twice, and now it seems infected. My cat ran away, and my landlord just served me an eviction notice. I just took a job as a bathroom attendant at some rich country club. My mother and father refuse to return my phone calls. I'm also addicted to pain killers, that don't seem to work anymore. I've been collecting books on serial killers for years. I go to AA meetings and fell into some born again Christian all black church. I'm the only white person there. They all speak in tongues. I can't ever seem to look people in the eye when I have to talk to them.


Here I am, a disfigured freak  - Anonymous, US, Age 37

I was destined for great things. I come from a very wealthy family. I had a privileged youth and was a good student in school. Hell, I even have a masters degree in electrical engineering. I had money, friends and a good job as an electrician. But around 10 yrs ago every thing started going wrong.

On my 27th birthday I was involved in a major car crash. I was paralyzed from the waste down and had third degree burns on 80% of my body. I spent a year and a half practically bed ridden and in intense physical therapy. When it was all said and done I looked like Freddy Kruger in a wheel chair. I couldn't do my contractor work anymore because of my sorry state and I didn't go outside because people would not stop staring at me. I blew almost all my savings on plastic surgery, alcohol, porn and drugs. Well here I am, a disfigured freak who lives in his parents basement. They wont even let me out of my room sometimes because they think I'll scare away company. But on the bright side, I've taken up smoking two packs a day, so it's only a matter of time before I die of lung cancer!!


She took everything of any value   - Anonymous, Ohio, Age 30s

In my early 30s, I went through a divorce. My ex woke me up on a Friday, kissed me, and said she loved me. Later that day, she called me at work and said she had filed for divorce and had a restraining order against me (never any violence, except when she hit ME). She took everything of any value and sued for a few grand more. I can't believe I EVER loved that treacherous bitch! A few months later, my best friend committed suicide. A few months after that, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, for which I'm on a lifetime prescription at a thousand dollars a month. Of course, since the divorce, the X became one of those freaked out born again people and said she'd say a prayer for me. That makes me feel SOOO much better.


In 7 years I have paid off 2 years of my debt  - Todd, Fort Worth, TX, Age 33

I'm 33 years old, 6'1", 250 lbs and I live in a 200 square foot garage apartment. I only have a car because my mom gave me her old one with 165,000 miles on it when she went to get a new one. I owe $8000 to $10,000 to the IRS going back to 1996. I first owed money in 1993 and in 7 years have managed to pay off 2 years of my debt at $50 to $135 a month. I would sell something to pay these bastards off, but I have nothing valuable enough. My ex-wife screwed up my credit so bad with credit card abuse that the maximum limit I can get is $500, which ain't shit. Bank loans, of course, are out of the question. And so are bank accounts. When my mom had just $25 in her back account the fuckheads at the IRS took it because she owed money. I figure they'd do the same to me, so I got to keep cash and keep it hid. I usually don't have much anyway after paying bills, so I don't worry about getting ripped off. God, LIFE SUCKS!!!!


Enuff said  - Peter, Boston, Age 33

I'm 33, 5'5" tall, 265 lbs., high school drop out, unemployed, living with my 92 year old grandmother, addicted to soap operas, and impotent.  Enuff said.


I hate my surroundings and myself  - Anonymous, LA, California, Age 39

I am a 39 year old fat, hairy, glasses wearing sasquatch of a human.  My mother got hooked on crank and 'H' 3 years after having me, and my dad died before I could ever even meet him. My mom changes her story of how he died every few weeks and it drives me fucking mad. I had a girlfriend that I was in love with, but she ended up pulling an incredible stunt with my credit card, and left me a simple note on my parent's door (my parents' house is also my house) which I won't tell what it said. I live on food stamps that my mother gets, and I feel so damned embarrassed whenever I take them to the supermarket. 

My best and only fucking friend moved away 2 years ago, he was the only solid thing in my life, and he fucking moved cause his fiancée "would rather live somewhere more peaceful." I had a job working as a custodial assistant at a college, but I was fired because my mother went bezerk one night and barricaded all of our doors and windows with cardboard, and pulled out our phone lines (all which she later blamed on ME) and I couldn't sleep that night or leave the house because of my mom yelling and the barricade. I tried seeing a shrink but she essentially said all the problems were MY fault, so I dropped her. I've tried killing myself once, but I was unsuccessful.

I've tried taking up drug use, but I don't like the feeling of being "high." I am allergic to chocolate, milk, peanuts and nutmeg, so that just further fucks things up. I hate my surroundings and myself and I wish I could just get the fuck out of LA or just die, I want my mother dead too.


My teeth look all crooked and dead  - Jim, Toronto, Age 30

I'm a thirty year old virgin. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't hit it off with women.  I was born with a rare disorder that makes my front teeth brown, they look all crooked and dead.  People think I'm a freak when I smile. I am addicted to Buffy the Vampire Slayer,  I can't stop watching her and masturbating. I am now addicted to masturbating and have to do it 3 times a day.  I only have 1 friend and he just told me he is gay and wants to have sex with me. I work as a mortician's assistant and am now becoming attracted to the sight of young dead women.  LIFE SUCKS.


I can't afford to live alone  -Anonymous, Age 30

The woman that I loved and lived with for the last nine years, and thought I would marry someday, kicked me out. I lost the only decent paying job I ever had. I had to give my new truck back (could not afford four hundred a month anymore), went on unemployment, starved trying to pay bills, got arrested twice for DUI (needless to say I'm not going to be driving for awhile).

I have another job now that I hate and it pays shit. I moved back home with my parents to pay the court fines and did the jail thing. Now single I see that I can't afford to live alone on what I make and I'm sick of this shitty life. To sum up my life: I get driven to work and picked up, check my email, log onto Unix, work nunchakus, drink some beer and go to sleep only to be driven  back to work.  Shoot me please.


I finally tossed him on the street  - Joanne, Philadelphia, Age 35

I lived with my husband, the loser, for 10 years. He's a drug addict (drug of choice: whatever's available). He hasn't had a job since 1985. I was sole support of 5 people. I finally tossed him on the street after he and his junkie friend stole $1500.00 from me. Now I'm stuck with all the bills he ran up, and am the sole support of 4 people. At least I got rid of that low-life junkie motherfucker.


No girlfriend, no friends, and nothing but DVDs and CDs  - Brian, Michigan, Age 30

I have 10 dollars to my name and I live with my parents at 31. I have no girlfriend, no friends, and nothing but DVDs and CDs. I work at a shithole casino with a bunch of redneck pricks who don't know nothing but drinking beer and smoking pot. They can't spell, can barely read, and think ABC is a four letter word. About the only intelligent thing they do there is leave. I am so much better than all those pricks it's not even funny. I shouldn't even grace them with my presence, let alone talk to the miserable bastards. 


I have been in and out of hospitals since the age of 8  - JC, Alabama, Age 35

All you people are ridiculous, you don't know how good you have it. I am barely 35, and have been in out of hospitals since the age of 8. I lost both of my kidneys, had several intestinal problems and was on dialysis before I was 10. I had a kidney transplant as a child and was pumped so full of steroids that I blew up like a balloon and my growth was stunted. I finished school and college and just as I was starting my career, I lost my kidney. I had another kidney transplant, and went back to work. Medications caused my bones to deteriorate and I was forced to have total hip replacement. Two weeks after this surgery, my colon ruptured and I had two more surgeries, one being a permanent colostomy. I now cannot work and am still waiting for my disability to start.


I'm a 35 year-old balding fat man  - Anonymous, Gainesville, TX, Age 35

I still live with my parents. The bastards wouldn't pay for college. They said that it would corrupt me and turn me away from the path of Jesus. Fuck them. Fuck Jesus. Now I'm a 35 year-old balding fat man who works at McDonalds and is still a virgin. The highlight of my day is when I get home from work if my parents are out of the house so I can get on-line and jack off. 


What a bitch  - Steve, Pennsylvania, Age 37

I stayed married for 12 years to a man-hating cold fish, all the while convincing myself that I could somehow "fix" her. After 10 years of panic attacks and medication, I finally fell for someone else and grew balls enough to leave the witch. After 3 years of separation, I'm still not divorced, I am flat broke and living in a 1-bedroom attic apartment, trying to figure out how she got the house and everything in it, all of the retirement money, and the new car. And then her Grandma dies and leaves her $40,000. And to top it off, she has kept her promise to "make you and that little slut  pay for the rest of your lives". What a bitch. Oh well, it could be worse, I suppose. I could still be with her.


I won't die for some shitty reason  - Joe, Pittsburgh, Age 32

I was born in a piece of shit house in the middle of the ghetto. My dad walked out on me when I was six. My mom died shortly after. I had to live with my grandparents. I have an incredibly large birthmark on my neck that wont go away. I have 50 moles on my face. I've tried to kill myself 4 times, but I won't die for some shitty reason. My grandpa died a week ago. I live alone. My only friends are my dick and my hand. I sit at a computer 24 hours a day. I have no job.  I'm 33 and I play videogames. I wanted to get ICQ but then I remembered I didn't have any friends. I don't have a car. I ride my bike everywhere. I've never had sex. I  was in jail for six years....I bet you've never been butt fucked by a 400 pound man have you...no bitch. I fall asleep in my own tears, asking why I cant just die. I pick fights with people I don't even know, and get my ass kicked. And to top it all off, I have a 4 inch dick. I hope you think twice the next time you say your life is the worst...you haven't been through shit compared to me.


My mom wants a retroactive abortion   - Joe, Florida, Age 33

My whole family hates me. My mom said she wants a retroactive abortion. Reading this page is the high point of my rotten life. I am not gay but I have gay sex with men because it is the only sex I will ever be able to get because I am so ugly. I have to take shits in a bucket and shower in the kitchen sink because the floor caved in in my bathroom and I don't have any money to fix it. I just received a note from my neighbors asking me not to open my windows because the inside of my house smells from the bucket of shit


I bet there's life after death too - Tony, London, Age 30

You all might have it bad but at least you don't have to live in London.  Everyone is stupid, rude and trivial.  All the women are cheap and will only date you if you are a builder and have your head shaved.  I can't meet any decent middle class women because I'm trapped in this nasty working class shit hole with people obsessed with the lottery, soap operas and talking endlessly and relentlessly about themselves.  Every girl I meet is an emotional fuck-up.  I have one friend who is so screwed up, he gets his alcoholic friend to cut his hair.  The result is so bad we have to tell everyone he did it for charity.  Imagine that!  Having a friend so stupid you have to make excuses for why his haircut sucks.  But the only reason I hang out with him is because he's such a loser he makes me feel better.  He's fat, he's ugly and he's only ever been laid once in his life (He's 31).  And she was drunk and looked like Roseanne Barr for god's sakes. My neighbor wakes me up at 2am every morning screwing loudly, I work from home so my social life means having to hang around in bars with stupid strangers listening to how crap their lives are. Life sucks the shit out of a dead horse's arse.  And I'll bet there's life after death too.  Just my fucking luck that will be!


My dog got hit by a logging truck  - Robert Boyce, Seattle, WA, Age 32

Some asshole shot my cat with a pellet gun and we had to put him to sleep. Then my dog got hit by a logging truck and crawled off in the woods to bleed to death. I'm getting threats from collection agencies over an unpaid subscription to a magazine I never ordered or received.  My girlfriend Lisa is pregnant, but I had a vasectomy when I was 29. Merry Fucking Christmas!


I am still happy that I am not at work - Scott, Wisconsin, Age 31

I work at a miserable job, doing miserable work, for miserable pay. It takes everything I have to even get there sometimes. I was just struck with the flu and had to miss a nights work. Although I am shitting and puking all over the place, can't hold food, or even water for that matter. I am still happy that I am not at work, because I have all these symptoms as soon as I walk in the door anyway.


No girl wants to be seen with a scarface  - Tony, Los Angeles, Age 36

Life has been very rough for me.  When I was 17 I tried to open a bag of M&M's with a fork while sitting around a campfire.  The bag blew up in my face leaving me scared for life.  No girl wants to be seen with a scarface.  I've been out of work for 18 months.  I'm tired of eating catfood breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I wish I could just end it all but can't find the courage to do it.


I haven't had an erection in months  - Jeff, Hartford, CT, Age 37

I am ignored at my job. My in-laws are a tribe of nozzle heads who lost my wife's hefty inheritance. I exist in constant pain. I experience gas with oily discharge. All my friends are successful. The ugly fat broad across the street keeps checking out my ass. I haven't had an erection in months, not counting morning wood, which I get daily do to my dysfunctional bladder.


He has even hit me a few times  - Anonymous, PA, Age 33

I had four children. One died, one been taken from me, one is going to be a father and the youngest is always in trouble. My first husband is a loser and doesn't see his son and that is why he got in trouble and was taken away from me. My present husband has been physical abusive to the kids, he has even hit me a few times . Plus, I was sexually abused by my brother who ended up killing himself when he was 22.


Some friend  - Mark, Los Angeles, Age 36

I have a "friend" named Gary who says he is my best friend.  But he lies to me and insults me and sleeps with people I'm dating and talks about me.  He picks fights for no reason and is never there when I need him.  He is selfish.  He likes strangers better than his friends.  He scratched my floors once.  He is a troublemaker.  Why do I stay his friend?


Why do we even bother?   - Anonymous, Age 30

Where do you want me to start? My dad died when I was 2, my brother died last year, I'm married to an abusive asshole, need out of this BAD, my last child (1 of 3) is not my husband's and he doesn't know it, I am financially screwed, getting ready to lose my home and just about everything else I have. Why do we even bother with this BS game called LIFE????


Get that kryptonite away from me - Jeff, Florida, Age 37

In the last 4 years I have lost everything to a hurricane. Lost a smokin' girlfriend to a fucking wing cook while in fed prison because FEMA non-fucking penis wrinkles got their shit mixed up. Rolled a car at 60 mph. Broke my arm falling down a flight of stairs on a bicycle. While I still had my cast on, I was attacked and had my face ripped open scarring me for life. Shot a nail gun through my hand. How about getting that fucking kryptonite away from me......


I can't stand the sight of her   - Andrew, Bastrop, TX, Age 33

My wife and I have been married for 15 years now and I can't stand the sight of her. We met in high school when she was cute and, as I found out later, a total whore. She's had sex with every person that we know, but that isn't the worst part. My wife is 5'3" and in high school she weighed 110lbs. She now weighs 195lbs which looks really nasty on a woman who's 5'3". She farts in her sleep and it smells so bad that I have to sleep on the couch with the dog. She doesn't cook or clean. She sits around all day watching talk shows and eating. Life is a cruel joke, everyone I know had sex with my wife when she was cute and now that she's a fat pig, I'm the one who has to support her.


She's a fucking slob  - Anonymous, Age 31

Well it all started when my father died in November.  I made the mistake of inviting friends (husband, wife and one year old daughter and occasionally her 8 year old son) to live with my to: 1) help pay bills and 2) because they were being booted out of his brother's house.  Well I found out why they were being booted out.  She's a fucking slob.  She leaves food all over the house.  She doesn't watch her own kid and would rather let the 8 year-old parent the child when he's over for her visitation days.  She tries to pawn off child rearing duties on anyone who takes a fleeting interest in the one year-old.  She's so lazy that the child got diaper rash so bad it was bleeding because she wouldn't change her diapers on a regular basis.  All she does is sit on her ass on my couch, channel flipping and doing needle point.  I got her a job and she went six days out of the month the job lasted.  She leaves uneaten food in bowls in the sink (even though I have a disposer).  The other day I found used kotex under my bathroom sink because she was just too fucking lazy to throw it away.  I don't have the heart to boot them out because her husband is a wonderful person.  HE walks 6 miles to work, works 8 hours, walks the 6 miles back, come home and cleans up HER messes!!!!!  If I find one more dirty dish under my cabinets I'm going to take my father's .357 and make this child motherless.  She has this extremely irritating voice... like fingernails on a chalk board.  She doesn't know the meaning of "lower your tone" or how to whisper or talk quietly while I'm trying to sleep.  She mooches incessantly off her mother and any other person she can.  I have to hide any and all medicines I have for myself because she takes all my pain relievers because "she has a sore neck".  Like I said... I can't in good conscious boot them out into the snow because her husband is so nice. It's too bad I can't boot just her out.  So.. until lardass gets cracking and starts working... I'm stuck.  Anyone want to send me a roll of duct tape?


Just Shut the Hell Up - Stpnwlf, Age 30+

I just have to say that people suck. The ones next door with the barking dog and screaming parrot. The ones next to them that yell every other night, all night. Then ones over here that play that fucking mariachi music all night and drink beer in the driveway. The ones across the street with the radio in the garage on all day and night louder than my tv.


All people all over just should shut the hell up and make no noise for a full day. One 24 hour period of quiet is all I want before I die and I would like to get it at home - not on some freaking mountain top that is covered in graffiti and garbage and another dozen people looking for quiet too.


Top 5 Tales of Woe

Angst-Ridden Teens | Terrible Twenties 
Three hOrrific
| Forgettable Forties  
Feeble Fifties | Herpes Sucks 

 

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