life sucks

Terrible Twenties

Misery Archive:

Top 5 Tales of Woe

Angst-Ridden Teens | Terrible Twenties 
Three hOrrific
| Forgettable Forties  
Feeble Fifties | Herpes Sucks 

My only purpose in life is to give head - Anonymous, Buffalo, NY, Age 20

I was living with my aunt while going to college in Buffalo, NY. About two weeks ago, my aunt caught me blowing my cousin who is also gay and going to be a senior in high school. I'm 20 and bi and he's 17 and gay and he started it with me the first night I lived there 2 years ago. It's just a sex thing--nothing more. So, now the bitch is threatening to tell the cops and she already told my father, who is her brother, and I can't ever go home again. 

I am staying with this gay Asian dude I know from college and I get to stay for free if I blow him and his brother and his cousin every day. I shouldn't complain 'cause they're all cute and nice, but it seems like my only purpose in life is to give head. I really want to finish my degree next year and then do the grad work to become a pharmacist. Now, everything might be fucked up 'cause of a lousy blow job. I hate that meddling cunt of an aunt.  And my cousin is now telling everybody that I made him queer. My life is ruined.

Does this mean I am a prostitute? - Jackie, Pennsylvania, Age 21

I barely graduated from high school. I applied to 23 colleges but none would accept me, not even the school my drunk ass dad cleans toilets for. Now I work at McDonalds with kids half my age. It turns out my boyfriend of three years has been cheating on me all that time.  His dick was small anyways, and it would shrivel up before I could get off, so I can't imagine how he got the rest of those hos. 

My 55 years-old manager at my other job ( I need more than one because I get paid shit) promises me things and gives me money if I give him a blow job. Does this mean I am a prostitute? I don't think so. 

Every time i come back from work its my job to clean the fucking house while my dad masturbates in front of the television, it's sick to witness.  Those damn neighbor kids harass me day and night for those stupid fucking little beanie baby toys from work. 

I have no guy, I am gaining weight, I have to stay home and watch the house - like it is going anywhere - and work at my stupid little job for 6 bucks an hour.  I never go out, my friends are all gone.  I cry myself to sleep and hope every night that I will get hit by a car or that all of this shit would go away.

I can barely sleep  - Miami, FL, Age 26

After losing three jobs in a row I am currently unemployed. I have had anxiety/panic/depression for 5 years, causing thousands of dollars in medical bills, and destroying my credit. I flunked out of college. I am extremely overweight. I chain smoke. I have high cholesterol, high amounts of fat in blood and diabetes.  I get constant infections everywhere from the diabetes.  My skin is covered with zits. I have no friends, I have no girlfriend, my car is on its last leg. My eyesight is crap and can barely see out of my left eye.  I have chest pains every night.  My whole family is virtually broke, I am virtually broke.  I have attempted suicide more times than I care to remember. I cry when I sleep, I have anxiety shakes when I am awake.  I can barely sleep 3 hours a night.  I have real bad stomach pains due to Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  The loneliness is unbearable at times.  Sometimes I go to public areas and watch happy people, and dream of their lives.  I am too scared to die now, but do not want to live anymore.

I married his dumb ass  - Hanna, Kentucky, Age 23

I was 18 and stupid and lonely. I met some dork and thought, "oh I'm never gonna get any better than this."  So I married his dumb ass.  After 4 years of complete agony and abuse, I have finally left him.  All along I have been in love with my best friend, who in a sexual sense doesn't give me the time of day.  Now I have lost everything and everyone that I cared about and am living with my dad again.  

I'll probably never have another date and will probably never be able to have the guts to tell my best friend how I feel about him.  Besides if I did he would probably just RUN RUN RUN. And then the only friend I have left would not be my friend anymore.  My dad is a lazy ass, who thinks that I'm the maid service and because he gave me a room when I needed it. I now have no friends, no home, NOTHING.

I almost became a Jehovah's Witness - Lejla, Age 24, Perth

I'm a 24 year old virgin. I've never even had a boyfriend. I met my soul mate in Hungary but he turned out to be gay. I moved to London for a year and a half convinced I would come back without the cherry but I ran out of money... I want to be a writer but am too scared to give it a try - it's all I've ever wanted to do. I am back at home with my parents and it's like I never left. I think I may be gay because I freak out whenever a guy even asks for my number and am a real prick tease.. I almost became a Jehovah's Witness so that was my reason for being a virgin for a while. I am a secretary - the only people I hate more than secretaries are lawyers. The only thing I said I would never do with my life was be a secretary.  I am convinced that I'm brilliant and am destined for great things but meanwhile I live in Suburbia with my parents and type letters all day for complete dickheads and have to listen to silly women talking about fashion, Hollywood and their boyfriends.

Dog's world - Karie, NY, Age 21

My dog runs my life.

I've fucked guys just to get a fix - Rosemary, Age 20

The fucker! My father shot himself in the head when my mom was pregnant with my brother, just in time to leave us with a merry x-mas. I've been using drugs for six years. Now I can't stop. I've been  diagnosed with severe depression and psychosis. The fucking ceiling never stops moving. I keep having these delusions where everyone is going to torture and kill my family. I slit my wrists so I could kill myself before "they" killed me. Which only sent me to the State Hospital. Now I don't even have the balls to kill myself anymore. I've fucked guys just to get a fix. Of course I've always been a slut. Within the last year 3 of my friends have died from using heroin. I don't know how to stop using.

I craved peanuts all day  - Linda, Kentucky, Age 23

All of my life I have dealt with my insecurity.  I didn't finish high school because I got pregnant at 16 and had to leave school and the baby was born with chronic gastro-intestinal deficiency in the lower quadrant of his small intestine... (at least that's what my Doctor said, but he's really a Vet because our small town of 100 people doesn't have a doctor for miles.)  My real problem has been my recent rare diagnosis of animalia mimictideaus, or mimicking animals.  Our town was blessed to have the traveling circus where I saw elephants for the first time.  I was so amazed that I began to obsess over elephant behavior and act it out.  My mother noticed the problem when I became sickly thin because I wouldn't touch anything except peanuts.  I craved peanuts all day long and when I left to go into town I had to carry a sack of peanuts with me in my purse.  I am currently undergoing counseling for my obsessive compulsive behavior. 

I cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis - Anonymous, Chicago, Age 21

My father is a heroin addict who hasn't talked to me in 11 years.  When I was a young child he told my mother "the car or the kid" and my mother chose the kid (me).  The closest thing I had to a father was my cousin who died of a heart attack, after I had gotten back here to pack up my stuff and move down there around the start of the year 2000.  I have no car or job.  I've got scars on my chest from bad acne when I was a teen.  My testicles constantly ache all the time for some reason, and I've got no insurance to go to the hospital.  I've been committed twice to a psychiatric facility for suicidal thoughts.  I have very bad drug problem, which I can't control because I don't consider weed a drug but it is.  I didn't graduate high school, because I never went to physical education.  Then 3 months later the school district changed the rules so that you didn't need phys ed credits to graduate.   I cry myself to sleep almost on a nightly basis, I have no girlfriend, And I haven't had sex in quite a few months.  The last person I had sex with was a fat disgusting pig of a underage girl.  I don't have a license to drive a car because my mother claims her insurance will go up if I get one.  I have no friends, and the ones that I  do have are all coke addicts or drunks with no direction in life.  The only other relatives I have are rich Jewish stingy bastards that didn't send me anything for my birthday but a cheesy hallmark card.  All my "friends" are rich preppy jerks that have had everything handed to them in their life then complain about how "shitty" their life is.

The fourth and final round killed my cat  - Anonymous, New York, Age 23

The first time I got shot, I was only 16. It was a random thing, coulda been anyone, had to be me. I thought I was gonna die, there was so much blood, and it ruined a good shirt. A .38 cal round clipped my shoulder, lodging near the joint. After 5 years of physical therapy, I regained full movement of my left arm. A few months later, when I was 21, I was shot again, this time by some fool who thought he was a man. One round pierced my abdomen, and I bled black bile. The second and third hits he scored (he fired at least 10 times at me, from no more than 15 feet) almost completely severed my spine, leaving me paraplegic, no use of my legs (and little feeling in other parts). The fourth and final round that he landed killed my cat, which was in my arms at the time. Poor Kiniko, a sweet little black cat. Today, I live on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator, which makes it hard to maneuver a wheel chair for simple things like going to the store for smokes. I have no family, as my father died recently, and social security is a joke. Meals on Wheels is a godsend, bless their souls! Those mooks who shot me still run this neighborhood, too. I'm thinking of getting a white sheet and rolling down the stairs, maybe they will kill me.

The mom drooling on herself  - Johnny, Illinois, Age 27

Rachael's parents own a couple of auto body shops, and so last night they had an employee Christmas party at a restaurant. I went with Rachael as the "new boyfriend", and got to meet all of the relatives I haven't met yet. This included her obnoxious 30 year old brother (who met me by saying "you know. one day I may have to kick your ass!"). Nerve racking enough? Fuck that, there's more: Rachael's ex-boyfriend "Chris", and his father both work as mechanics for Rachael's dad as well. So he gets pointed out to me from across the room. OK, no big deal, he's about 5'10"/I'm 6'3", he's 23/I'm 26, she thinks he's a child/she thinks I'm a man... I'm doing ok with all of this. So we all sit down to dinner, and I notice that Chris sits on the opposite end of the room facing us. Fine, kid. No big deal. Chris' parents sit at the same table as us. His father's a blue collar working Joe, and his mother has multiple sclerosis so she's in a wheel chair and looks barely coherent. So the entire dinner, on occasion, I catch Chris looking in our direction, and then looking away. I let it go, what can I do about that? And then I look over, and Chris' dad is spoon feeding his mother a glass of Pepsi and giving me shitty looks because I supposedly stole the owner's daughter from his loser son. They hired some shit head magician, mistakenly putting on a children's show for a room of blue collar adults. With Chris looking over all the time, and me catching Rachael looking over at Chris' mom, and I know she's feeling pity... (how could she not, she dated this guy Chris for a year and a half, she knows the whole story about the mom.) And Chris' dad looking me over with kind of a scowl. And the mom drooling on herself. I felt guilty and I didn't want to, I felt like I was getting judged and I didn't want that, and I didn't want Rachael thinking about Chris' lame mom... or fucking Chris looking at my girlfriend, so we got the fuck out of there. In a phrase "it sucked".

I never even slept with her  - Scott, Ontario, Age 23

I'm 23, shy and I don't make friends very easily.  A few years ago I dated a girl who wouldn't put out, and I was fine with that.  We broke up after a year and went our separate ways.  Last year she shows up with a two year old and says it's mine.  Problem is I never slept with her.  She sues me and then gets her lawyer gets the blood test thrown out of court.  So I'm a 23 year old virgin paying child support for a kid that isn't mine.  Oh yeah, I just filed for bankruptcy.  Bye bye law school.

I gave myself herpes  - Joseph, New York, Age 25

My retarded ass gave myself genital herpes.  I hate myself and think the world should take some time out and cap my sorry ass.  Wanna know how I did it?  I went out to a club.  But before was sure to clear my lips of all outbreak.  I got totally shitfaced at the club and got home.  I met no women, because I'm a straight loser so I decided to crank up the computer and look at some online porn.  I also thought it'd be a good idea to throw some chewing tobacco in my mouth before hand.  Well needless to say I didn't even think to wash my hands before self-indulgence.  The next day I felt a burning sensation on my dick and looked at it later that night.  Nothing, next day though I took another look I have five little tiny zits right where I place my index finger on penis when I whack it.  Good thing I used my index finger to pull my lip out to throw a dip in.  Now I'm just a total fucking loser.  Balding, with herpes and without a single friend.  I am truly an island.  I even know who I got herpes from...myself.  I just wanna die.  I've never had a real girlfriend and if I ever end up with one I'll be scraping the bottom of the barrel.  I've thought about putting out a personals add.  BALDING WITH HERPES SEEKS GIRL WITH PULSE.  I wanna shrivel up into nothing in a world with no one, this plague has made me twenty times shier and than I already was.  Please freeze me until a cure is here and I have enough money for some hair plugs.  Shit, its wasn't so bad when you could say looks don't count.  Now I'm just a washed up piece of shit.

She wants me to have sex with her husband  - Jason, Oklahoma, Age 26

I am hopelessly, deeply in love with a married woman. She is older than me, and smarter than me. I met her on IRC and she has taught me a lot. She told me I should not dye my hair white, but I did it anyway and it looks like crap. She says I am her 'best friend' but she will not leave her husband, even though she hates him, because they have 2 horses and a blue & gold macaw together and she wants to stay with  him "for the sake of the children". She is the only woman I've ever had sex with. She is polyamorous and bisexual, but she says I cannot have sex with other women because that would be dishonest. She would like me to have sex with  her husband, but we are both very hetero. Her husband is a big slob who will not clean the house or do anything when he comes home from work. She is home all day, but she is talking to me on the computer or doing important work as a phone psychic, so she can't be away from the phone and the computer for long enough to get any housework done. I come down to visit & clean, but I can only do so much when HE won't do anything to help. I graduated from college after 8 years with a degree in library science. I want to go to grad school in the town where she lives. My parents  may not pay for much more of my education, and I don't know what to do.

One guy went totally limp   - Mila, Ottawa, Age 20

I caught a staphylococcus skin disease just after I had my first taste of sex, when I was 18. The skin infection spread through my entire body (worse on my arms, legs & ass) that I didn't wear short sleeves or shorts or skirts in the summer for 2 consecutive summers. I feel like a freak. I have been too scared to show my body to anyone because the stars and stains are just too disgusting, I don't really look at myself when I shower. Laser surgery isn't an option because it may cause a relapse and the creams I use don't really work. One guy I've shown myself to went totally limp. It's really painful because I have girls and guys hitting on me on a regular basis, but can't do anything about it. I never knew how much having nasty skin can affect so much of your life. I wonder if I'll ever wear summer clothes or bikinis ever again, let alone have sex.

We live on a farm in the middle of nowhere  - Michelle, Canada, Age 22

When I was in grade 12, my best friend charged my dad with sexual assault, and got caught lying in court. Well my dad used ALL of my university money on court costs, so I had to take out loans. I am broke, and that bitch who was lying got implants. In the meantime I broke my hip, had two surgeries, slutted around, cried a lot. After 5 years, I finally passed a year in school. Now I find out I can't get any more money. The only way my parents will give me money is if I live at home this summer. Fuckers. We live on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and my mom thinks getting up at 5am is late. Fucking older brother mooches off them all of the time, and they put up with his bullshit because his wife is pregnant. I hate my life. Even my fat-ass lazy cat has it better. At least he has a box to sleep in. My back is so fucked up that I sleep on the floor. Prozac fucking sucks. I need morphine.

I don't even like children  - Anonymous, Age 21

For 3 years, I have been with this one guy  For 3 years, I have wanted to leave him.  I am not sure if I even love him, or if I am just "comfortable"  with him--he's the only constant thing in my life.  I finally left him, but I am pregnant ffrom him.  My mother was going to pay for an abortion, but she had made me mad, so I disregarded her for a while.  Here I am with only a couple of months left, and I am so unhappy.  I wanted to do something else with my life besides raise a child. I don't even like children.
 I wish I could just get over it, and realize that this is the way it is, or just fall into depression, and never come out.

He'd spit in my face   - Tanuki, Midwest, Age 21

Well, I moved to San Francisco when I was 19. I had just gotten married and we both got great jobs out there. Then he went psycho on me. He wouldn't brush his teeth or bathe and he'd spit in my face when I wouldn't suck his dick. I kicked him out. I kept my job though and loved making an assload of money until my brother-in-law died and I moved in with my sister out here in buttfuck Midwest. Now I make no money, everyone here is a hick redneck, I can't find anyone worth dating or even sleeping with because they are all rednecks with mullets or preppy corn fed farm boys. My sister is an emotional wreck, I don't have my driver's license, and all my friends back in California keep getting better jobs with more stock options.

I will NEVER get over her  - Sharyn, the South, Age 27

My mother emotionally abused me ALL my life. I have panic-disorder and massive depression and am on medication without which I can't function like a sane person. My beautiful daughter died in '93, she was 2 years old, she had a bad heart, I will NEVER get over her!!!  I had a bad marriage that ended when my daughter died. My mother still tries to butt in and run my life, I have to constantly change my phone number, my new husband's mother is a nutcase, too. I am 27 and haven't done anything with my life; because of the depression, sometimes I'm housebound. I'm too scared to go back to school, and I have nightmares constantly.

I have mediocre hair   - Ella, Victoria, Australia, Age 21

I've been in two psychiatric hospitals (involuntarily) and diagnosed with schizophrenia.  It was brought on by drug use, so I can't use ecstasy anymore and that's the only thing that made me happy.  

I used to be borderline anorexic and want to get their again as I only feel good about myself when I'm really skinny.  But even then, girls are jealous and guys just want to fuck you. I'm bulimic - I make myself throw up at least twice a day. I've gained 15kg's and refuse to leave the house in case I see someone that I know.  I haven't seen any of my friends (with whom I feel no real connection) in months because I have to lose weight before I go and resume my life in Melbourne.

I currently live with my parents, and I can't stand them.  We live near a small town (200 people) and I am always the main topic of gossip. I can't get a job because we live on a farm and i don't have my drivers license or a car.  I used to be skinny and beautiful and everyone told me I should model.  But I know that I couldn't because I am nearly blind in my left eye and as I get older I will take on a bung eyed appearance.  I'm intelligent but I don't show it. I got into a really good university but I fucked it up, wasted three years of my precious youth, and have dropped out.  

I haven't developed my personality because I got by on my looks.  But every day I feel my youth and beauty fading.  I lost my virginity to a one night stand when I was 18 and I haven't had real sex since then.  I reject every one that likes me because everyone that I have gotten close to has betrayed me, including friends.  The only boy I ever loved was gay and I made a complete fool of myself over him.  The last time I had a boyfriend I was 13.  Guys say that they like me but I know that they just want a fuck.  

I'm constantly cringing In embarrassment, remembering things that I have done, not only during psychosis (i thought I was an angel), but during the most basic social interactions.  I have mediocre hair. I always thought that I was special and destined for great things, but I realize now that everyone tells themselves that just to get through.

I had zits on top of zits  - Brian, New York, Age 24

It all started in junior high school. I had the absolute worst skin imaginable. I had  zits on top of zits. When I started to shave I would always cut a few of them and it would make things worse. No one in school would even talk to me. I was called crater face pizza face and other nasty names. My parents never  made any money so they would not take me to a dermatologist. My face is badly scarred with craters left from the acne.

I have had only one girl my entire life and she was just so nasty that even I could not stay with her. The girl had to weigh upwards of 350lbs and she would never stop eating and she constantly smelled like peanut butter. Maybe she had glands that started secreting the shit because she would eat like a jar a day. The only way I have ever gotten sex was I had to pay for it. And pay for it I did because I got caught trying to pick up a prostitute in the city one night. That made mother mother real proud when shehad to bail me out of jail.

I have tried to kill myself several times to no avail. Now I am stuck with the scars on my wrists for the rest of my life and they always come up as conversation pieces to the new guys at work. I have been in and out of psych wards for the last few years. I have stopped wearing seatbelts in the car in hopes that one day I just wont stop for that light that suddenly turns red.

I am paralyzed by neurotic fears about life - John, Texas, Age 20

I'm 20, 6', 125 lbs. I've moved back home to live with my parents since I failed out of college and got too depressed to even leave my apartment. I don't really know my dad even though he lives at home (and is depressed too), my brother treats us all like shit, and my mom is denial about everything and is a workaholic. I have no real goals other than to maybe wake up tomorrow. I have no job, and all but one of my "friends" from high school have left me. Except he's in the Army and we rarely talk and he's so hardcore Christian he preaches at me when we do.

I've become a perfectionist and am paralyzed by neurotic fears about life. I spend all day on the computer or asleep. I used to enjoy cutting myself, but don't care enough to even do that anymore. I've gone numb to everything in my life, and try and help people I know online who are depressed. Of course it doesn't help, it makes me feel worse about myself, but I still keep doing it since I've developed some complex where I think that I'm a savior.

I've had one girlfriend. She was a raging alcoholic psycho bitch and would berate me all the time. I've fallen in love with a girl over the Internet, but she rarely shows me any real interest anymore and just ignores me. I've never had sex, been kissed, etc. I have a foot fetish too and fantasize about castrating myself, I think I'm gay but to scared to find a man...I jack off 3 times a day some days. I like to get drunk and high, but I don't know anyone anymore so  I can't even do that. I've tried to kill myself once before, and think about suicide on a regular basis now. The only joy in my life comes from watching fucked up movies online or  the rare occasion when I leave the house and see random people in a store. That confirms my belief that people are shit and this world is a waste of oxygen. And I'm sorry for wasting your time with this

I used to drive a 1982 Chevy Nova  - Paul, Washington, DC, Age 27

I went to a crappy school, got crappy grades, and now have a crappy job.  I make $15k a year, and owe over $90k in school loans.  That's why I live in a rathole shack with four other guys and 19 cats.  I used to drive a 1982 Chevy Nova, but I had to sell it last month for $200 after I got my fat girlfriend pregnant.  Now I have to take the smelly bus to work every day.  Last week I fell asleep on the bus, and a homeless man urinated on my leg.  To top it all off, my girlfriend just dumped me for some guy named Dirk, but is threatening to sue me for child support.  She wants to name the baby "Dirk, Jr."  Why do I suck so bad?

I keep getting fired   - Brian, Midwest, Age 27

I'm a 5'8" skinny, balding, typical 135lb weakling.  I've had to move back home twice since I graduated college because I keep getting fired.  I live in a dank, mildew, ridden basement.  The only thing I can do for pleasure is smoke cigarettes or jerk off to poor quality porn clips that I downloaded from some other miserable sap.  I listen to punk rock cuz I think it's the answer to my prayers.  I'm delusional.  I got herpes from a girlfriend of five years.  then she left me, and I haven't so much as touched a girl in three years.  I forgot how to socialize and I don't have any friends.  I go on drinking binges and do stupid shit that I regret for days after.  I've been ridiculed by nearly everyone I've ever known.  what's worse is that sometimes I think I'm cool, but I know I'm just another freaking lost idiot.  I keep swirling around the drain and I can't wait for the undertow.

I can feel my brain withering inside my skull   - Eve, Age 21

I have a degree.  I work in a pub burning my fingers on glasses, being called a stupid bitch, having my arse grabbed by pissed old men who ask me if I want to suck their cocks.

I'm supportive and not supported. I can't write anymore, I can't read and I can feel my brain withering inside my skull. I struggle for perspective but the past keeps creeping up on me.  Monday has nothing to do with what day it is.

The damage was already done (9/5/00) - Anonymous, Kansas, Age 21

I had to sit by and watch while my girlfriend went out and caught herself a nice little case of herpes. Being the nice guy I am, I "understood" and sympathized, never once stopping to think about how this could affect my future social life. Time went by and I learned to exercise extreme caution wile spending special time with her. Eventually we decided to go our own ways. remarkably I came out of that relationship with no unpleasant diseases, but the damage was already done. she had gone around telling everyone she saw that she had herpes <in hopes for sympathy maybe?>, and my friends decided to do the same <nice joke?>. and with people being the way that that are, they played "telephone" and now according to popular belief I am the one with herpes.

My family has already disowned me (8/19/00)  - Anonymous, Age 22, Florida

I am 22 years old with 3 children. No education and no job. My best friend is fucking my husband and my family has already disowned me.  My children were taken away from me and I want to die.

I don't even smoke shit (8/8/00)  - Anonymous, Age 21

Fuckin' "friends."  My "friend" gives me an ounce of dope to hold before he can split it up.  Someone who doesn't like him or me or whoever the fuck ratted, and now I'm out on bail before my court date next month.  I have a piece of shit court appointed attorney and my "friend" is letting me take the fall.  I don't even fucking smoke shit, and now I'm looking at 10-20.  Fuck him, and fuck the rat.

Poorly designed (8/8/00)  - Anonymous, Wales, Age 24

I dislike people and I'm pretty sure they dislike me too.  But with some 4 billion of them about, avoiding them is somewhat difficult.  I much prefer cats, music and brown ale any day of the week.  I don't think I was designed for life.

My mother, a vindictive drug-addict slut (8/19/00)  - Lori, Michigan, Age 23

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old (my mother was pregnant with me when they married).  After the divorce my mother, a vindictive drug-addict slut, kicked my father out of the house with little more than the clothes on his back, and then hit him with $500 a month child support payments (in the early 80's).   Then, after every raise or new job my father got from that point forward, my mother would petition the courts for MORE child support money.  This so financially destroyed my father that he had to quit college and move in with his parents for the next sixteen years. 

From the very beginning my mother had no use for me, and I never saw one dime of this child support money.  I didn't even have a bed.  I instead slept on a pile of filthy blankets in the corner of the spare bedroom, which I was occasionally forced to share with my mother's drug-addict buddies when they were too stoned to go home.
Occasionally I would be shuttled off to my grandparent's house when my mother wanted to stash me someplace.  My grandfather began molesting me at age three, and my grandmother, a delusional religious fanatic, was scarcely aware of my presence.  One day, when I was six, my mother simply never returned after leaving me with them, and that is where I lived for the next ten years.  My grandfather's molestation continued on an ever increasing scale, and at age twelve developed into full incest. 

My grandfather began controlling my every move.  I was never allowed to have friends or any form of social activity.  He would even pick me up from school to make sure I came straight home.  I could not get away from him.  Once he caught me trying to sneak out of the house on a Friday night, and he beat me so badly that I he wouldn't let me out of the house for five days until the swelling went down. 
At age 15 my grandmother died, and my grandfather followed suit a year later, so I was forced to move back in with my mother again (whom I was still legally living with, as she was still collecting child support).   My mother by this time had had another child, a 4 year old son who's father was serving time for raping a retarded woman.  The single nicest thing my grandfather ever did for me (other than dying) was to put me in his will.  In fact, he left me everything.  My mother immediately hired a lawyer to contest the will, all the time pawning off anything not nailed down in the house.  The house itself was still in probate two years later.

I was forced to live with my mother for a further two years.  By this time her drug habit had abated and she was dedicated to being a "good" mother to her son, who was both retarded and hyperactive and by age four could curse like a sailor.  She more than amply demonstrated her new maternal skills two weeks after my eighteenth birthday.  On that day she received notice that the child support money had finally run out, and I was deposited on the street with little more than what I was wearing.  I wasn't even permitted to pack a suitcase, since all my clothes (and the suitcase itself for that matter) were purchased with "her" money.

After leaving my mother I bounced around between friend's houses (I actually had a few by this point) and got involved in an abusive relationship.  I moved in with him, and after eight months I learned I was pregnant.  When he found out he accused me of deliberately planning it, and gave me perhaps the worst beating of my life, paying particular attention to my stomach to induce a forced miscarriage.  Miraculously, the baby survived, but within a few weeks he disappeared leaving me with little more than a few broken ribs and a pile of unpaid bills.

By the time my baby was born I was homeless, and I gave my baby up for adoption right from birth.  I never did learn if it was a boy or a girl.  I loved my baby dearly and think about it constantly, but gave it up for it's own good, not mine.  My baby was probably the only thing that kept me from becoming a drug addict, which I promptly took up right after its birth.

For the past two years I've worked various jobs, prostitution being one of them, to support my drug habit.  I no longer care if I live or die.  I'm secretly hoping that one of my "clients" turns out to be a psychopathic serial killer who will end my miserable life in a gruesome, yet public way.  At least that way my name will occasionally appear on cheesy documentaries and true crime books instead of sinking into total oblivion. 

Unlike most people in my position, I do not hate myself, which is a miracle considering all of the abuse I've received.  However, I no longer feel life to be worth living.  I have long abandoned all hope of happiness, not that I would even recognize it if I saw it.  I feel I am already dead, and to mourn me would be a waste of tears.  However, somewhere out there is a 2-year-old happy, bouncing baby child that I carried in my body for nine months, and I just want to say for the record, "I love you".

Crazy abusive psychofreak from hell (7/29/00)  - Cookie, San Francisco, Age 29

I was molested by my father from a baby 'til I was 12, he molested all of my friends (both male & female) so needless to say, the friends didn't want to hang around with me cuz of my dad. During high school, I was a pathological liar/slut because I wanted to make friends. In the end, I was ostracized and went from being popular to eating my lunch in the back of the school, praying someone would talk to me. Finally during high school, I thought I met my knight in shining armor, boy was I wrong! I had to pick a crazy abusive psychofreak from hell for a boyfriend. I stayed with him for 6 yrs. because my self-esteem was so low, I thought I couldn't get anyone else. I gained over 100 pounds during that time, so needless to say, my boyfriend REALLY was abusive when I got fat. My boyfriend finally left me, I was devastated! I tried to kill myself, I stalked him, slept around with anyone who would kind of look my way. I started drinking heavily, got involved with drugs and hanging with a heavy partying crowd. I got into drunk driving accidents. 

Now 6 years later, I'm a heroin addict, I have NO money left, I had about $5,000 bucks but it's gone!!!! My car is in the shop, I got kicked out of my house a dozen times, have nowhere to turn, I have 2 friends who have tons of money but will not help me financially, (they don't know I do drugs), the only fun I have in life is looking for my next fix. I've sold my body for money, stolen for money, I've gotten caught a couple of times but luckily, I NEVER had the police sent my way. My whole life revolves around finding drugs. I can't keep a steady job due to my addiction because if I don't have heroin, I get very sick, and can't do anything UNTIL I find more heroin. 

Bitchy women run the place (7/17/00)  - Anonymous, NZ, Age 24

I crashed my uninsured car and spent most of my money fixing it.  Then I crashed it again into some woman's car.  I got a bill from the insurance company about it yesterday, fortunately my parents didn't see it.  I can't imagine how pissed off they'd be if they found it.  Because I don't want them to find out, I'll have to blow what little savings I have left on the bill, or tell me parents.  On top of that I have fines to pay, a student loan, and no life.  Did I mention that I'm a virgin?

Oh yeah, my friends are all superficial losers and I have a shit job where bitchy women run the place.  Because I'm male, I get shit on and can't do anything about it, but I have to keep working to try and dig myself out of debt. I wish I had the balls to kill myself, at least that way people might give me a break.  But knowing my luck, no-one would turn up, and the people that did would only talk bullshit because no-one really knows me.

She drains what will to live I have left (7/17/00)  - Anonymous, Age 24

I recently quit a comfortable job and moved to one that has ten times as much work for even less pay. I'm stuck here now that I have burned all my bridges. I broke up with my fiancée and fell in love with another woman; turns out she is a slut and has screwed more guys than she can even remember (her exact words). She constantly lies to me about the most trivial things, and my dumb ass decided to move in with her. My family has basically disowned me because of this. She hasn't worked in 6 months and I have to pay for everything, even her bills. I have no money, no friends, no family, and no fucking life. The woman I live with is a habitual lying slut that drains what will to live that I have left. Give me cancer now God.

I've lost track of all the humiliations (6/29/00)  - Ben, Philadelphia, Age 29

Five years ago I had the whole world on the tip of my dick....then I fucked it up by trying to be a good guy and invest in some property with my family. Long story short, every one of them screwed me, right down to my gray haired old grandma. My credit got fucked up, I lost every penny I had and everything i owned. In the midst of all this bullshit, my dumbass brother decided he wanted to become a drug dealer and we had police and junkies pulling up at the front door every five minutes.

When the music stopped I was the only asshole without a place to live...suddenly nobody knew me anymore. Oh, and my alcoholic father committed suicide, which my mother reacted to with barely concealed gloating. I was turned out of the house I put the money up for by my own family and found myself living on the streets of this mean ass city. The woman I love tried to stick by me but she has a life of her own and I understand why she doesn't have time to wait for me to get my shit together. I've lost track of all the humiliations I've suffered, which actually is a bit of a relief. My friends are all laughing at me behind my back....I don't blame them either, if my life where happening to someone else it would be hilarious.

I am the only decent person I know (6/29/00)  - Pete, Wisconsin, Age 26

I work in the radio business. Everyone in the radio business is self-centered, immature, and neurotic. I can't date because the only people I meet are neurotic freaks. Anytime I try to be nice to someone, particularly girls, they misinterpret my intentions and treat me like some kind of rapist. My immediate family is neurotic. I live at home because the radio business pays so poorly I can't afford to live on my own. I work and live in small towns where nobody has a life and life is like living in a fishbowl. Going to church only causes more stress, because the small town church is full of selfish, lazy, arrogant parishioners. My old friends from college offer no comfort because they all refused to grow up. I work for a spoiled rotten millionaire kid. He hires his lazy spoiled irresponsible friends, and though I don't hold a management position, I am responsible for their success. I joined a community service club full of bickering, sniping officers. I haven't had sex in six years. I am the only decent person I know-- "the great white hope." My patience, my endurance, my strength and my trust in God will pull me through-- that is my only hope.

The older I get the more withdrawn and weaker I become (6/14/00)  - Anonymous, Pennsylvania, Age 25

I have muscular dystrophy, it is going to make my life shorter and a lot less fun. It's so hard to have any motivation or feel good about myself when I am unable to function like a "normal" person. The older I get the more withdrawn and weaker I become. I have never had a girlfriend. Women want nothing to do with an underweight withering freak. But I can't say I blame them. Employers don't want anything to do with me either. Even with all this there is one person I have never met but talk to online almost every night who has put up with me and all my crap, She will never know how thankful I really am to her. I just have to enjoy the things I can do because I know when I can't function normally and hold my job, I will finally end it.

I read the story from the guy who has muscular dystrophy.  I believe I know him. You see I am that girl who talks to him night after night on the computer.  What he doesn't realize is that I have really bad days too that I don't always share with him and it brightens MY day to talk to him.  I can always count on him to lift my spirits and give me a good laugh.  He doesn't feel very highly of himself but I would like to take this opportunity to say that I do think highly of him.  I think he is wonderful and I consider him a great friend.  Thanks for giving me the chance to tell him.

Back when I was 20...I got a face tattoo (5/25/00)  - Anonymous, USA, Age 25

I'm a 27 year old Goth who can't land a decent job because of my multiple tattoo and piercings. Back when I was 20 I used to be a punk and I got a face tattoo, so I can only work as a telephone sales man, you have probably hung up on me a few times. Although my inability to get a decent job, doesn't effect my non-existent sex life, I frequently get beaten up by guys in pubs, who call me a fag. I still live with my mother who enjoys telling me that I am a complete failure.

She kicked me out 10 days before Christmas (5/13/00)  - Rob, New York, Age 28

I was thrown out of my mother's house when I was 19. I met a girl and who let me move in with her, but she was pregnant by her ex-boyfriend. I stuck around and helped her raise the kid and was a father to her for the next 8 years, giving up all hopes of going to college and getting a degree because I had to work shitty dead-end jobs and give 90% percent of my paycheck to her for rent. Finally we were supposed to get married and try to have a second kid (my first biological one), but does that happen?!? NO, what do i get? She kicked me out 10 days before Christmas so she could fuck some 24 year old punk kid who she thinks is some great fuckin' catch because he's an assistant manager at a freakin' Friendly's, keeping all the furniture and my dog! Now I have no job, no friends, I had to move back in with my parents, I only get to see the kid every other weekend, I'm going fuckin' bald, and oh yeah she got pregnant by her new boyfriend the same day I moved out. great fuckin' life ain't it?

I'll have to get used to a life of solitude (5/25/00)  - Joe, Oregon, Age 26

My life sucks. My fiancée, the one love of my life has left after we were together for 6 years. I met her when I was 20; she's the only girl I've ever dated, kissed, had sex with and been in love with. Needless to say, I have a hard time meeting women. Add to that I've been diagnosed with severe depression. I work as a delivery man and am not that good  looking. I have bad teeth and am short, skinny and pale like mayonnaise. I have a handful of family and friends. Looks like I'll have to get used to a life of solitude 

I've caught head lice about six times (5/25/00)  - Alonzo, NY, Age 20

My life is a mess. I go to beauty school in Albany. It sucks. All I do is work on scumbags' hair all day long. I've caught head lice about six times and I think that I have it now. I suck at doing hair and I was mugged this weekend.

I cannot leave the whore (5/17/00)  - Ryan, Dallas, Age 23

I have become the very person I loathe.  I was dating the woman of my dreams.  She left me for becoming despondent when my grandfather died.  She will not even so much as to speak to me now.  I met a woman through another woman I met on a matchmaker site.  I married her a few months later.  Turns out she is a complete and total slut, and complains because I am not everybody else.  We now have a child.  I met a woman from work, who is wonderful, but I cannot leave the whore, for she will bleed me dry, and take my child.  I used to be slim.  I am gaining weight.  I used to have friends, hobbies, a life.  Now, I have a interminable drain on my finances, and all my loves have fallen into disrepair.  I am saving for a small caliber hangun.  I plan to find a remote spot off a back road, and shoot myself, hopefully it will be a slow and painful death, and ruin the interior of my beloved automobile, at least they won't be able to take that from me.

I still steal money out of my mom's purse (5/13/00)  - Tom, New York, Age 29

I don't have a college degree and I only need 7 credits to get one. My job will pay for the credits if they relate to my work only I can't let them know I don't have a degree because I lied on my resume. I can't afford the credits on my own and can't get a loan due to bad credit. My brother is a crackhead whom I have not seen in over a year, when he pawned all of my parent's jewelry. That doesn't really bother me because he used to terrorize me and kick the shit out of me all the time. He knocked out my teeth, broke my nose, gave me two concussions and other injuries. He's 6 years older than I am but acts like he's 15, still. 

I haven't spoken to my Dad in 8 years or so, and he is a self-absorbed, self-important asshole anyway. My grandmother is getting nuttier by the day and has become almost intolerable to be around. I drink way too much and lie about it. I'm 29 and I still steal money out of my mom's purse when I visit her sometimes. My mom is upset about my brother and is turning to Jesus--she is slowly becoming a Christian nutjob and it is frightening to watch. I feel powerless to stop her. 

I live in the god forsaken Bronx where the people are too fucking stupid/lazy/prideful/ignorant/disgusting to clean up after their animals or themselves. there is litter everywhere and it smells and people are rude and violent and I want to wall up some of the neighborhoods and let them eat each other alive. Thank god for getting an a/c from a friend, because the street outside my building is like a fucking Spanish carnival all day long when it is hot and people blast their god damn stereos out the window all day and night. 

Why is there still pain! (5/13/00)  - Christy, Illinois, Age 29

I have finally left my drug addicted husband of 8 years, so why is there still PAIN!!!! I am just as sick as him without the escape of drugs. How do you let them hit a bottom?  I don't want to go back to insanity!! I worked 3 jobs to put him through school.  What is there for me?

I've never kissed a guy either (5/13/00)  - Anonymous, Chicago, Age 22

Okay I'm 22. I'm a virgin. I've never even kissed a girl.  The only people that I have done anything sexually with are guys on two occasions.  The first time was when I was 14 and my friend crashed at my house drunk so I gave him a blow job.  The second time I was at a party and a guy gave me a blow job.  I've never kissed a guy either.  I got kicked out of my first college. Now I'm at a community college and hate it there so I'm not doing well there either. I still live at home with my parents and work two part time jobs.  Even though I work two jobs I'm always broke so I can't move out in the near future.

That was my first and last (3/20/00)  - John, Chicago, IL, Age 24

My life is one giant shit hole. I am an only child.  My parents died in a car crash when I was seven.  I lived with my nagging grandma, until she died when I was nineteen.  I moved out now and live in a broken down apartment with one shitty job.  I had sex with a prostitute once and it cost me $105.  That was my first and last.  Life sucks!

Quack, quack (2/15/00)  - Lionel, England, Age 28

I have this problem that no-one takes seriously.  I can't help it, it started when I was a kid.  But I like going to parks and touching the ducks.  But in November a park keeper caught me fiddling with one, and called the police.  I had to lie and say I was rescuing it from drowning.  They didn't believe me, I could tell, but they couldn't arrest me because it wasn't a crime. Anyway, some bastard told the local press, and I was in the paper.  There was no picture but my name was in the same sentence as 'duck molesting.'  I'm so embarrassed, I'm going to lose my job because I'm a vet.  Once, someone bought a duck in that had been attacked by a dog.  I asked everyone to leave the room so as not to shock it.  Really I just wanted to touch it.  It died not long after.  Anyway, I saw a shrink and told him but he laughed.  He asked me why ducks?  I said because they had chubby cheeks and looked cute.  Also they are slippery when wet.  I like that.  I like squirrels too, but I've never tried to fiddle with one.  I might soon if I don't get help.

I live in my parent's basement (1/17/00)  - Mike, Pittsburgh, PA, Age 23

I am a computer programmer.  I live in my parent's basement.  I get up at about three in the afternoon, and roll out of bed to play video games.  The only joy in my day is when my best friend comes over and tells me about packing bags at the airport.  Once he told me about opening a bag marked fragile.  When he did, a pit bull jumped out, and gnawed off his ear.  He also has problems with his spleen, now.  Now, whenever you bark at him, he pisses his pants.  We used to go to the movies and have a good time, but I can't resist barking at him now.  Everyone laughs at us.  My only other friend picks up prostitutes.  He affectionately calls them "tooties".  He doesn't get the good ones, only crack whores that cost less than five dollars.  I would hang out with him, but he is always in strip clubs asking girls to put their thumbs in their asses.  My life is actually pretty good now that I think of it.  I have to go bark at my friend now.

I clean waste spillages and dog shit (1/17/00)  - Norm, Auckland, NZ, Age 20

Here I sit, stuck in the hell hole at the bottom of the Pacific.  I can't sleep at night because they're building a new motorway next to my house.  My neighbors play loud techno all day and night.  I clean waste spillages and dog shit off beaches, and most of the money I get from it goes on child support payments to my fucked up ex who somehow managed to work her way up a law firm and doesn't want to know me.  I'd like to have sex but I can't score and I can't afford it.  I think I'm ugly, and my few remaining friends think it too.  I'd shoot myself but you need to be rich with a clean criminal record to get a gun.  I hate myself and I've run out of drugs.

I have sex with my stuffed animal penguins (1/1/00)  - Darson, Texas, Age 21

First off  I am schizophrenic. I am a fat nasty dike!!! I used to be sexy and a huge slut at that. But since the death of the last person on Earth to know I exist, my dad, who fucked me every night since I was 10 without my mom ever knowing about it, I have eaten my way out of the misery. Now, with no friends, no family, no money, I just found out I am pregnant with my dead dad's baby. Now to keep my self occupied I bite my toenails nervously and pleasure my self with a candle stick while indulging in my penguin fetish. Humans don't like me... at least I cant get dumped by a penguin! My life is so pathetic I have sex with my stuffed animal penguins. I am 21 I should be out having fun in bars , but I am afraid. My therapist does all my shopping and things that require seeing humans. 

The little slut I hooked up with had herpes (12/25/99)  - William, Los Angeles, CA, Age 26

My life is just a fucking hole.  My parents hate me because I have no ambition in life and can't get my shit together to graduate from college.  I've been at the same damn school since I was 18 and I still don't have my fucking degree.  In English, no less which is just fucking fabulous because I get to go from my fast food job to teaching a bunch of dirty ignorant kids with even dirtier ignorant parents.  Most of them don't even speak English as a first language.  I had a girlfriend but I left her for some girl I was working with only the little slut I hooked up with had herpes and didn't tell me and she lied to me about her age and she's really 15.  My girlfriend won't take me back and is threatening to take a restraining order on me because I keep calling her house.  I'd buy a fucking gun and end this crap but I can't afford one.

I am almost always a disturbance in a restaurant (12/25/99)  - Mike, Georgia, Age 24

Because I was an overly curious child, I lost several fingers at the age of four. I got them lobbed off by a band saw. Now, here I am 20 years later with a deformed claw of a right hand and a fairly normal looking four finger left hand. I cannot write very well because of the claw and I am almost always a disturbance in a restaurant. One small plus is the claw has been known to excite the few girls who have been either drunk or courageous enough to mess around with me.

I eat to make myself happy (12/22/99)  - John, Long Island, Age 20

I'm fat, I don't have any friends. People make fun of me because I can clear out a dozen donuts in a few minutes. I don't have a girlfriend... no matter how hard I try.  The phone rings and when I answer it, I hear laughing, then they hang up.  I cry myself to sleep. I eat to make myself happy, but my obscene girth wins in the end. Sometimes when I'm eating at the computer, my belly presses the space bar.  It's such an embarrassment. 

Life's little ironies (12/18/99)  - Anonymous, Queens, Age 23

You know my life is bad because I have submitted so many of these things and not one has been selected to be published!  

This was all self-defense (12/16/99)  - Joey, Utah, Age 29

My girlfriend got pissy with me and drove off while my arm was tangled in her seatbelt, and she dragged me for a quarter of a mile before she got pulled over by a police officer.  Of course I get arrested, because I'm the one who has the gun, and I'm the one who is on PCP, and I'm the one who fires six rounds into the Chevy.  This was all self defense, but I have a shitty lawyer and he just laughs. Oh, and my girlfriend works on an air-force base and has a k-9 that she has sex with.  I have videos. And when I get out of this fucking place, I'm going to sell them to her fucking parents.

I must squeeze more lemons (12/16/99)  - Willy, Age 27

My large intestine slowly leeks out of my ass.  Doctors don't really know why.  Its embarrassing and smells.  Oddly I think my sphincter is starting to enjoy it. I am so pathetic I soak it in lemon juice so I don't get some sort of weird cancer. I had a date once that actually was feeling out my ass and thought that my intestine was my dick.  She felt in and stroked it, of course it did not get hard so she was pissed. I could lied I guess. Why bother. I must squeeze more lemons.

I am very frightened of touch (12/14/99)  - Conrad, Beverly Hills, Age 28

When I was younger, I attempted suicide to try and get attention and my mother made fun of me, telling me I was only trying to get attention. When she died a few years later, slowly of cancer, I visited her in the hospital, gave her my cold, and with her weakened immune system, she died very quickly. She was an atheist and the thought of dying when she thought she had accomplished nothing in life, especially due to her inept, albeit adopted son, was something that almost made her kill herself in the hospital. I have never, ever been with a girl and I cannot imagine it if ever I would. I am very frightened of touch, cannot stand speaking to people for very long, and pretend to be foreign when I go shopping so people just think I don't speak English and thereby understand when I don't make eye contact or really want to speak.

God enjoys pissing on me (12/13/99)  - Mark, Missouri, Age 23

When I play pinball, the ball always flies into those side gutters that lead to the bottom. When I watch TV, they pre-empt my favorite program to show for "Christmas with Celine Dion." I can't really wake up because I didn't sleep, and I can't really sleep because I'm never really awake. I no longer can gain the gumption to hate the people who are busy hating me. Chief among them is God. God enjoys pissing on me, raising up obscene obstacles to my happiness, kicking me around, laughing at my sorry mortal ass. Well bring it on! Slap me around, shit on me, I'll take it all and ask for more! You won't drive me to suicide! If you want me dead you'll have to do it yourself with a bigass lightning bolt! COME ON, COWARD!!!

I get food delivered and rarely bathe (12/13/99)  - Ernst, Vancouver, Age 27

I spend my life online. I never leave my house due to serious social fears. I fear my government and hate my country. My girlfriend is a porn site of the night and my movies are all MPEG. I get food delivered and rarely bathe. Not only do I not have -real- friends, the woman across the hall puts her dog shit in my mail slot. I suffer from paranoid fits of rage. I've killed many cats.

All I want to do is lie around all day (12/13/99)  - Anonymous, Oregon, Age 24

I am a beer swilling, football lovin' dope smokin' loser. Although I have this hot girlfriend, I am a total doofus. We have sex like once a month. When we do, I stick my little thumb dick in her and she complains that it hurts. So I come in like 30 seconds. I have a huge belly and I am getting fatter each day. All I want to do is lie around all day playing video games and drinking beer. But my girlfriend yells at me when I do that. All she does it talk about herself and her work. I just want more beer. Mmmmm, beer.

I long for senility (12/13/99)  - Anonymous, Age 29

Every single person I've ever fallen in love with either doesn't give me the time of day or is already taken by someone else (married, to be specific). I never dated until after high school, then upon one of my first sexual encounters, got herpes. I have wasted my youth and now long for the peace and contentment of senility, where I won't have to be thinking about my failures all the time.

I wish we could meet and be miserable together (12/12/99)  - James, Ohio, Age 22

 have no friends. Since no one seems to want to talk to me or be with me, I spend most nights alone in my room working, writing in my journal, masturbating, crying, then collapsing into bed. What a pathetic life. The only girlfriend I've ever had was in my first year of high school. We were together for about a month, we kissed once, and I've never even kissed anyone since then. Needless to say, I am a virgin. I feel like I don't know how to do anything and I don't know what I'm going to do when I get out of school. I hate myself for being so shy around people all the time. What makes it all worse is that I have a very disturbing sexual fetish. It's not my fault, but I still feel dirty and evil whenever I think about it. I also want to say that all the people on this website seem like good people and I'm really sorry all this bad stuff happened to you. I wish we could meet so at least we could be miserable together.

He took pity on me (12/12/99)  - Maggie, Oklahoma, Age 25

I'm 24, I have a bachelors degree. I'm not the ugliest thing ever, but I'm a fat Goth Chick in Oklahoma. I work nights for not enough money and i've never had a boyfriend. I got kissed for the first time just shy of my 24th birthday. The guy who finally took pity on me won't talk to me now. I scare away every guy who's ever been interested and I think about suicide a lot. And I wrecked my car yesterday. If it weren't for money, music and masturbation I'd probably be insane or dead now.

I have a good chance of getting a job at Dunkin' Donuts (12/8/99)  - Anonymous, NJ, Age 28

I rolled out of bed this morning and fell onto the floor because my 4'11" frame will no longer hold my 346 pounds.  I picked myself up after about 20 minutes and lumbered into the bathroom to bathe and get ready for my job as the Domino's pizza delivery girl.  I got stuck in the shower when I bent over to pick up the soap and had to bust my way out of the shower door in order to save myself.  It made quite a mess which had no chance of being cleaned up.  I walked over to the mirror only to find the 8th boil this week had erupted on my chin.  I brushed my hair, which has white flakes all the time, but it's ok because it looks like parmesan cheese and that's what I tell people when they ask.  It works out, because I work at Domino's and I make people believe I'm making pizza all day and sometimes the flour and cheese gets in my hair.  I got to work 40 minutes late and was fired because they said I can't get the pizzas there in under 30 minutes.  and someone complained and said i picked all the pepperoni off a pizza during one of my deliveries.  When I got back into my 1982 Chevette to drive home, one of the tires blew out  and the rim immediately cracked.  When the tow truck got there, 2 men came out to look at the tire and ridiculed me for having empty donut boxes on the back seat.  I'm not sad about it though.  I have a good chance of getting a job at Dunkin' Donuts and I won't have to make any deliveries.  I don't have any friends and my family doesn't invite me anywhere because they say I smell funny, but I don't care, I'd rather watch TV than be around real people anyway.

God hates me (12/8/99) -VanKhoi, Vancouver, WA, Age 22

I am a wife and mother. Mother of a young spoiled brat. She has her moments, but that is not the reason why I'm writing this. I'm writing because my husband does not love me. He does, but in a superficial way. He comes home, notices me, then automatically runs to the child. I hate that feeling of neglect. I'm beautiful, don't get me wrong. I'm not a troll. People tell me all the time that I'm hot, but I can't get a fucking hug from my husband when he gets home.  His gratitude for taking care of his child and putting my life on hold.. a fucking bouquet of cheap ass flowers for my birthday.. well.. thanks... I think I am going to become atheist cuz god hates me..

I am mature, dammit! (12/8/99)  - Matt, Las Vegas, Age 23

Tomorrow is my 4th wedding anniversary, but my wife is in an asylum because she stabbed me after I found out she was having an affair with my boss.  So I left that job, and got another but got fired before I was there 90 days because I was caught stealing software but the people at work were told i was fired because I wanted more money; So I egged the company with the CEO's brother-in-law, that will teach them to fire me and say I am not mature. 

Virgin girl (12/8/99)  - Anonymous, Nebraska, Age 25

I'm a 25 year old woman with a college degree, but I work in a factory.  I live at home with my mom and I'm a virgin.  Need I say more?

I hate my mom (11/25/99) - Brandon, New Jersey, Age 20

I really don't get excited over anything.  I don't know if I'm in love with my girlfriend anymore, and I just got her pregnant.  I go to work everyday, and deal with people who I don't give a shit about.  I used to smoke weed everyday just to forget, but now I don't even have that anymore.  I hate my mom, hardly remember that I have a dad, my family might as well be nonexistent, and the few friends that I have are all out of state, not that I could go see them anyway, unless I wanted to stop going to school, which sucks, and work, which sucks, but pays me enough to stop my mom from bitching at me some of the time.  Masturbation is starting to lose its appeal, and frankly, I don't know what will take its place. 

I want everyone to be as miserable as me (11/25/99) - Sara, Allentown, PA, Age 23

I was in love with this guy, but then my best friend told him I had an STD and now he won't talk to me. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I hate her. She is a frumpy, trashy bitch I hope she rots in hell. I am going to fuck her new boyfriend as soon as I get the chance. I know he wants me. I see him looking at me all the time. I am really hot and guys want me. I am going to sleep with everybody's boyfriend, because I want everybody to be as miserable as me. Then I won't be alone in my misery. Ha fuckers ha ha SEE YOU IN HELL.

I love him and want him home (11/25/99)  - Candyjoe, Mississippi, Age 27

I got married the 29th of Sept.  My husband went into rehab the same day for 28 days.  He came home and things were wonderful, 6 days later he reported to his probation officer and he revoked him for failing drug tests prior to him going in rehab.  Now I am alone again, court is not until Dec. 17 and I am facing everything alone, don't know which way to go. All I know is that I love him and want him home.

Love for the bearded lady (11/13/99) - John, LA, Age 23

I am a man who loves to go to the circus to see the bearded lady. The last time the circus came to town I saw the lady and gave her my number she called we meet under the BIG TOP made love and now she is gone and I still love her.  I want no one else.

Three shaved monkeys (11/13/99) - Charlie, Texas, Age 20

No one gives a shit.  My life sucks. The thing about it is my luck really screws me over. I want love. Yeah, right.  I would have a better chance at finding three shaved monkeys writing poetry while screwing an orange elephant on the moon. My life sucks.

I am drowning in my own complacency (11/13/99)  - Kim, Harare, Zimbabwe, Age 25

Well, we live in this rotten miserable town which is more like a boil on the arse of society.  Everyday I am stuck with people who bore me more than my pet slug.  I see no way out.  I am drowning in my own complacency.  There is no political or economic infrastructure, and no human rights - the bill which was made was created my capitalist pigs who lived in another country.

I find it hard to escape (10/18/99)  - Rob. Glasgow, Age 22

A year ago, I met someone who took me away from my drug-crazed, life on the streets.  This guy gave me a home to live in and he got me a job working behind a bar.  But there was one problem- he was gay.  That is not a problem usually, but the fact that he expected sex in return was a problem for me.  Although I am bisexual, he really did nothing for me.  One year later, I am still living in his house and eating his food.  The problem is that he is head over heals in love with me, and I feel trapped and indebted to him for helping me out when I was a down and out. I don't feel the same way, I want a young mans life but find it hard to escape.

Some arse hole is sleeping in my bed with my woman  - J, Red Neck TX, Age 28

Am colored. Moved to small town "Austin" some time ago. Separated form wife cause she thinks I'm a loser (she makes more money than me, and I make 60K/year).  She is cheating on me, the last time I called her, she picks up the phone in bed and then I hear "honey put the phone down" from some arse hole sleeping in my bed with my woman.  Filing for divorce now. Before this relationship, dated seriously a Jewish girl who dumped me 'cause I refused to get circumcised. Before that I dated seriously again, this normal blonde girl, that was fine until she figures I won't buy her a new cobalt blue Ford Mustang as soon as I got my job, that she dumps me. And finally, this TX girl, that I met the other day, was ready to be my slave until her friends made fun of her being with a "brown" guy, that she walked out on a date. (she was fat anyways, well over 200 lbs, and only 5' 4").  Am smart, have a masters in electronics eng., work for a large company, athletic, run marathons for fun, yet can't find the right woman. And now finally, my employer "canned" my project, leaving me in the cold, and I have bills to pay. Life sux.....

My dad slept with my girlfriend  - Neil, NM, Age 25

At 17, I got my 15 year old girlfriend pregnant.  Our parents forced us to keep the baby.  We moved her in with me and my parents and a year later, my dad slept with my girlfriend -- twice.  After that, my parents and my girlfriend tried to keep me from seeing my son.  This went on for many years until I finally got joint custody.  Now I moved out of state for a better job and my ex won't let me talk to or see my son.  She won't even give me the address or phone number of where they're living now.  Yesterday, when I opened my paycheck, the DA's office had garnished $306 from my check, leaving me with $193 for my current family (a wife and a daughter).  This will continue to happen until I figure out how to modify the child support order which I can't afford (lawyers are expensive).  So now I have less than $400 a month to live off of and I don't even get to SEE or talk to my son.  Fuck it all.

Is this the life I am going to live?  - Anonymous, Midwest, Age 20

Well, I was once a California girl but am now stuck in the farmlands.  I hate it.  I used to love the local music scene but now things have changed.  I just recently went to a live band show at a small bar in town.  It was awful, one terrible redneck act after another.  As the crescendo, a beefy guy in overalls and a large ZZ-Toppish beard got up on stage to play the banjo.  A microphone sat in front of him at level with the banjo.  Instead of pulling the microphone up to his mouth when he sang, he just spread his legs as far apart as he could, stooped down and sang into the microphone.  I used to go see bands play at them Whiskey A Gogo in Hollywood.  Dear God, help me.  And the worst part, I want to leave but am being trapped by guilt.  Is there anything left?  Or is this the life I am going to live?  Everyone eligible man in this town bears a striking resemblance to Baby Huey and Fatty Arbuckle intertwined.  There is nothing fun nor happy about my life. 

But there is a problem... she is my cousin...  - Rob, NC, Age 22

I'm in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. She is my soul mate, my lover, my best friend and everything else rolled into one human being! We spent the summer together and we fell in love. But there is a problem... she is my cousin... I don't have a problem with this, but she does... life sux! I will never love any woman as much as her and I feel like I'll be miserable for the rest of my life!

Talk about a rough four years - Dale, Massachusetts, Age 22

OK talk about sucks...when I was 18 I was making 50K a year, driving an exotic sports car, living in a 2 bed apt with a gorgeous blonde... (no lie I swear).. since then, I've lost that job, lived off of credit for three years, lost the car, g/f broke up with me after cheating on me like 6 times, I live in a shithole in f%cking pitts Massachusetts, my rich ass parents think I'm a failure now cuz I'm a freakin' carpenter instead of a programmer cuz I don't have a degree and no one will hire me without one, but I didn't get one because I had the awesome job without it...ummm oh yeah and my best and pretty much only friend is moving to Utah, and I'm being evicted from my about a rough four years.

See what the repercussions of a threesome can be - Amber, East Coast, Age 21

I wanted to be in a threesome with my boyfriend and another guy, because man-on-man action really gets me off. Well, the person who I got to be with Curt (my bf) was really hot. Dreamy like. I should have known right then that it would be too good, but alas, I was my naive little self. Anyhoo, the stud's name was Adrian, and I ended up not doing either of them. I just watched. This is where everything gets fucked up. Curt and Adrian were so, so HOT together! About a week later, Curt broke up with me and said that the experience made him realize his true, bisexual self! He said that he and Adrian has some "special" connection. That they "loved" each other. I just rolled my eyes. Well, now it's been 6 months, and they are planning to get married. I hope all of you read this and learn from my mistakes. See what the repercussions of a threesome can be.

Living with the Munsters: Part II - Kelly, Omaha, Age 27

I decided after posting the first time to get a better outlook on life but things are even worse.  I live with the Munsters but if things were bad before, they have gotten crazier now.  I am financially unable to move out so I am forced to sit in a strange place with the freaks as company.  My grandmother feels me up all the time to see if I've gained weight.  She is also a consummate booger picker and loves to leave her feces all over our toilet seat.  She meddles, she's rude, she is constantly starting trouble.  If its bad for me its worse for my mother.  My cousin whom I also live with has a worse problem.  He plays with his false teeth continually, taking them in and out, in and out, like a sex act.  He leaves them laying around in the kitchen, its disgusting.  I have turned to alcoholism as a means to cope.  Dear God, help me.  I thought I was living with the Munsters but I was wrong.  I am really living with the cast of Deliverance.

It wouldn't be so bad if we only had hot water (4/7/00)  - Stephanie, Maine, Age 27

We just moved to Maine from Texas, trying to make a better life for ourselves... Turns out there are no jobs in Maine!!  Imagine that... Finally my fiancée scores a job... but no paycheck for 4 weeks.  Now the heating oil has run out and I'm cold... at least until next Wednesday.  I told the kids it was a little game we were playing called pioneer.  It wouldn't be so bad if we only had hot water.  I miss my family.

Lazy cat - Danny, New York City, Age 29

I just got a cool job with full benefits and more money. My girlfriend seems to really like me and we have a nice and cheap apartment (even though the lady below us is a bit crazy).

My cat is pretty lazy though. That's bad.

I want a life of love - Ben, Silicon Valley, CA, Age 27

OK, a lot of stuff about my life is good.  But only one thing really matters to me, and it isn't working: love.  I have never been (anywhere near) as happy as when I was in love with someone who loved me.  That ended three years ago, and I'm so tired of being alone.  I've gone out on a few dates in that time -- I could count them on one hand -- but none of them work out.  I'm good looking, very intelligent, kind, sweet... I'm the kind of guy every woman wants as a friend.  Wrong answer.  I'm shy and clumsy asking women out, which apparently in the eyes of most women means I'm an unsuitable partner.  When I manage to get a date, which isn't often (it sometimes seems like every woman my age in Silicon Valley has a ring on her finger), I always get the "just friends" line soon -- several times in the recent past, just after I've made the woman come all over my face, and just *before* she got around to reciprocating.  (Why don't women appreciate a guy who loves giving head?  Seems like as soon as they find that out about me, they can't say "just friends" fast enough.)  But I don't even care that much about that -- one night stands have never been my thing.  I miss intimacy, I miss sharing my life with someone.  This is more important to me than anything else.  I want to have kids, I want a life of love.

I have an unexplainable urge to kick people in the face - Lorin, California, Age 22

Under average daily circumstances, I have an unexplainable urge to kick people in the face.  I have twice in the past month.  The idea that this sort of desperate, angry violence could come from something as banal as not having a girlfriend fills me with self repulsion.  Thank you for listening.


Food - John, San Francisco, Age 22

I like to eat things but they always eat me back.

I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in life - Kayla, Portland, Age 26

I'm in-love with two men and I have been for several years now: one is my husband and the other is my best friend.  They both are telling me I should have a child.  My health is poor because of asthma that has increased over the years.  I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in life.  I have no job and can't seem to finish a degree.  I am suicidal about every other day.  This is probably inherited from my mother who has bi-polar disorder.  My family is completely messed and I fear if I have children they also will be messed.  There's a bunch of other stuff too, but I could write pages.      =(

It's just living with the Munsters that kills me - Kelly, Omaha, Age 26

I just recently found out that my so-called best friend was telling lies on me and turning other people against me.  My other good friend of thirteen years decided to quit having anything to do with me because her weirdo boyfriend said he had a crush on me.   My beloved dog died a horrible death from cancer.  My father almost died twice this last year and an acquaintance of mine was murdered four houses down the street.   Even worse, I was the first person on the seen who had to witness them wheeling out this guy on a stretcher.  The next day he was dead and he was this really nice person.  Due to all this bullshit, I developed panic disorder and can barely fall asleep at night.  To top it all off, I just moved to Omaha with my parents, my uncle, my grandmother.  I don't know anyone here and I just started a job I despise with a passion catering to rich old farts.  Even worse, my grandmother is constantly causing a fuss and making my mother enraged.  There are fights all the time.  Omaha is okay, its just living with the Munsters that kills me.

I don't have sh*t, and I will never will have sh*t - s., West Virginia, Age 21

in the beginning, i was a normal kid. but forced to wear retarded nerd clothes, i was hated from the beginning. being hated made me get fat when i was older. my family never cared. i even had some sexual abuse from them; mostly just being forced to be seen naked. still hated in school, i was told to drop out rather than be home schooled. they never let me learn to drive a car. i still never drove a car in my whole life. i just had 14 months of being with the absolute perfect person (soul mate) for me, then he dumps me saying his feelings changed and i'm only a friend. i have nothing. i have no love or support. no one cares. i'm fat and ugly. you people complain when you have homes and cars and every f**king normal thing in life. i don't have sh*t, i've never had sh*t, and i never will have sh*t because i don't plan to live being fat and alone so the whole f**king world can laugh at me for it.

She never loved me at all - Josh, California, Age 21

I was in love once and I thought that she loved me too... come to find out, she never loved me at all. Now I am incapable of love and I can't commit to any relationships. I also work for a company that does not appreciate their employees and I get paid peanuts. My life really sucks!

It's a Wonderful Life - Jack, Los Angeles, Age 27

In the last few years, my grandfather died of cancer, my sister killed herself, I haven't spoken to my father in 4 years, and I developed panic disorder and am now on Paxil.   I can't find a job I like, I can't quit smoking, and I suspect my girlfriend wants to dump me. It's a wonderful life!

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